Thursday, October 7, 2010

Alienating the neighbors one at a time...

The other day, I did something I never thought I'd do - I let a complete stranger into my home. She caught me off guard, ringing the doorbell on yet another chaotic evening for me and the boy.

On the night in question, I was making a pizza, entertaining Ciaran by letting him "help" grate cheese, and cleaning up all the bits that didn't make it to the pizza. As usual, cheese ended up squished between tile grout, on chairs and in pretty much every little nook & cranny in the kitchen.

So, swearing under my breath at this unwanted interruption, I'm frazzled and not in the most welcoming state of mind as I answer the door. Especially since the woman standing there is wearing what appears to be one of those phony-ass-looking gas company badges whose logo doesn't resemble the company I deal with. I've heard stories about these door-to-door "sales associates" scamming people and I'm instantly suspicious.

She senses my wariness, asking if she's "caught me at a bad time." What I want to say is, "Bitch, I'm covered in cheese and pizza sauce, my kid's running around on some kind of sugar high and there's a burning pizza in my oven, so no, now's not the ideal time to drop by unannounced." But, instead I mumble something about "having a late dinner" and follow it up by the world's most insincere "can I help you?"

She introduces herself and explains that she's a neighbor from just down the street so I let down my guard. Somewhat. After the wackjob neighborhood I recently moved out of, I'm still paranoid of people showing up at my door, even if they seem harmless enough. Anyway she apparently works part-time for a water heater company and wants to tell her neighbors all about some amazing 4-day only promotion being offered.

Wonderful. 

As I'm trying to think up some excuse to get out of this conversation, she's suddenly inviting herself inside to have a look at our water heater. And, because I'm a total pushover and can't think of anything to say to avoid the current situation without sounding rude, (and god knows I don't want to offend a neighbor), I let her in. But not before I ask her which house she lives in. Not that that would help me if she did happen to be some crazed serial killer posing as a hot water heater salesperson. Cause that's what is actually going through my head at this moment.

We head down to my war-zone-resembling basement to examine this heater that I've never given a second glance, Ciaran clinging timidly to my side. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my some of my husband's tools sticking out of one of the many boxes strewn about and decide that if it comes down to it, I'll grab a hammer for protection.

But, of course there's no need for it. She's deeply engrossed in the inspection of the heater and begins this whole spiel on how there's lead in our pipes (turns out there isn't) and that the heater is too old and we really need to take advantage of this wonderful offer she's only telling her neighbors about.

Then, something horrifying happens. Ciaran, my dear, sweet little son starts giggling uncontrollably and while I'm asking him to please not be so silly, the lady is trying to talk to Mommy, I suddenly burst into laughter. I try to cover it up, pretending I'm just laughing at him laughing, but I really can't stop. The poor woman is still pitching her product to me, but I'm in hysterics. The more I try to be serious, the more absurd the whole thing seems and I just can't pull it together. It's like I'm 11 again, and my younger brother has made me laugh during church and I know it's inappropriate, but that just makes it all the harder to stop.

I really need to start getting more sleep.  Buy hey, on the plus side? I haven't gotten any more salespeople dropping by.

9 comments:

Cheryl said...

I wish you would move to my neighborhood. You and Ciaran know how to party - you crack me up!

The Empress said...

You did not!!

Man, I heard you canadians were trusting and all that...but wowza! In your house??

Girl, you all are crazy canucks.

The Mayor! said...

LOL at the Empress...yep, we are a trusting bunch! Get this, we don't have to pay for our gas until after we pump it! I only mention it because I was shocked to drive thru to Florida & not be allowed to pump my gas without pre paying...it just seemed so odd to me! Plus, with the conversion & the whole gallon thing, I had no frikking idea how much to "pre pay" LOL!

Cheryl, you can't have her! She lives in my neck of the woods, you need to come to us! WHOOO HOOO, let's tear up T.O. baby!! lol

Pamela, you have to link this up for Friday...& man, I can sooo relate! They never stop coming to my door, these utility people....I'm usually just really rude, especially when they ask if "the homeowner" is home...what, I don't look like I could own a house f**ker?? But it never occurred to me to just lose my sh** on them & totally crack up! Loving that tactic!!

:-))

Bibliomama said...

OMG, that is SO awesome. I've pretty much graduated to where I will close the door firmly on people (especially when my husband isn't home) but every now and then I still get stuck on the phone (usually with a nice-sounding humorous older man) and end up buying something. It's really hard when it's a neighbour. Spontaneous hysterics was clearly the way to go.

ModernMom said...

LOL I can so see myself doing something like this. I love that you burst into hysteics. Must remember that the next time someone comes a knocking!

Sandra said...

Ya, I think more sleep is in order! I'm laughing too now and it's because I can totally picture the scene in your basement!

Finding My Weigh said...

Wow, you're a more truting woman than I am and I'm Canadian too! I recently snarled at a man offering to clean our gutters because my husband said he might be scoping out our house to rob it later. There goes any trust I ever had!

I just found your blog through comments on the Mombshelter and I'll be following you from now on! You blog is great :)

Heligirl said...

You're so nice. I'd have told here now wasn't a good time unless she was willing to get down and clean the floor, with a toothbrush. I'm a smart ass that way though. Must be our rude American upbringing, eh Empress?

Meesh said...

I'm delayed in my blog reading, but I'm catching up now - HILARIOUS!!!! lol

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