Friday, May 28, 2010

A Truly Absurd Mystery Involving a Smuggled Chicken

A couple of years after we were married, long before the whole urban farmer thing became popular, we had a very unexpected visit from a chicken. Yes, that's right - a chicken.

I don't remember what day, month or even year it was, but I will never forget that strange afternoon when my husband called me into the backyard. It must have been spring, because there was no snow on the ground, but the trees had not yet fully bloomed and the grass was still that dirty shade of brown.

"Come here," he said, gesturing towards the back door. I vaguely recall getting frustrated because there I was slaving away in the kitchen and he wouldn't tell me why I should follow him. Finally I relented, but he still wouldn't explain what was going on.

"Look," he said, pointing at something on the ground in the distance. "I found it back here while I was putting away tools in the shed. Someone even blocked off either side of the shed and left it a bowl of water!"

A low, rustling sound from about 20 feet away finally drew my attention to "it". And it was not happy. It came running towards us, causing me to shriek in a way that's normally reserved for mouse sightings. I ran to the gate at the side of the house, the chicken at my heels, pecking and clucking. Luckily, we just made it to the other side of the gate & slammed it closed before It took a chunk out of my flesh.

After debating on what to feed this obviously starving creature, we went back inside and grabbed some bread, which I proceeded to hurl out the washroom window into the back yard, rather than risk being attacked by the crazed animal. Understandably, it seemed to settle down a bit after chowing down on its high-carb snack.

Then, we went off to find whoever was responsible for this seemingly practical joke. We called Tony's parents first. They live on a farm, so it was the most logical place to start. Had they finally snapped after living so isolated up there in the country? But, no, they were just as baffled as we were.

We knocked on doors. People gave us strange looks. No one had seen anyone sneaking a chicken into our backyard. I spotted a family down the street smiling at us and became immediately suspicious. Were they the culprits? No, they were not. To this day, they avoid me like the plague. And honestly, I can't blame them. What kind of madwoman goes around accusing people of smuggling chickens into her yard?

We called every one of our friends; if anyone was going to play a practical joke, it would have been more likely one of them, not a neighbor we barely knew. (Too bad I hadn't thought of that earlier). But, no, the friends all plead innocent. (We did of course, get a few inviting themselves over for a fresh poultry dinner).

The next day we got up and peered out the window to see if the chicken was still there. It was. I threw more bread outside and we went to work. When we came back home, there it was scratching in the dirt and pecking at the grass.

We couldn't keep ignoring it. I mean, how long could you keep a farm animal in the city? Surely it wasn't even legal. I decided to carefully open the side gate & set it free. No, Tony said. It would probably get hit by a car and then, wouldn't I feel guilty?

At that moment, someone knocked on the door. I heard Tony speaking to our next door neighbor's son-in-law, who had recently moved in with his family. He'd been away for the past couple of days and had "found" this chicken in the park. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I've never once in my life seen livestock wandering around the local park.

It seems he didn't want his wife's elderly mother freaking out over his stashing a chicken in her backyard, nibbling away at her veggie garden, so he decided to put it in ours, but forgot to tell us. The chicken was of no use to him, he said, explaining that it was a "layer" and couldn't be eaten. So, if Tony's parents wanted, they could have this one. They came the next day to pick it up.

That's how our house became the livestock trading headquarters for the neighborhood. I come home to find rabbit cages lined up in front of the garage door, dropped off by neighbors for my in-laws. They make deals during the day for rabbits, chickens and turkeys. Just the other day I got a phone call from a lady asking for a rabbit. Sorry, I told her, he can't come to the phone. I don't think she got it, but I laughed myself hysterical.

Happy Friday Funny all! Don't forget to link up your funny story, video or email over at Crazy Town.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Friday Funny - Skankin' it up for the Long Weekend!

So, once again, I've left the blog-hop post to the last minute, but also once again, I've been inspired by another lovely bloggy friend.

I've been so busy buying houses, gnawing on what's left of my once perfectly manicured (& pre-child) nails during an exhilarating bidding war ,which happily worked out in our favor, that I really have not been in the funny frame of mind. 

Until, that is, I visited Tracy over at The Daily Mom Diaries and had a giggle at her Casual Friday cartoon! Also, it reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from The Office, the one where Meredith takes Casual Friday to a whole new level.

I don't know about you, but I have worked in offices where some skank-a** tramps ladies tended to get a bit carried away with "dressing down" on Fridays. And, as ridiculous and exaggerated as The Office sometimes seems, I love it because there's often a grain of truth to every character. Or, maybe I'm just constantly drawn to the obscenely insane. Yeah, actually, now that I think of it, I totally am.

Speaking of which, I better get my butt on over to Crazy Town to link up my Friday Funny!

Happy Friday & May 2/4 Weekend Everyone:)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - Recycled Goods

As I mentioned in this recent post these are actual items Ciaran has at some point thrown into the recycling bin. Here are some of the things we've retrieved:

A brand-new box of kleenex
The important part of this invite, including info like THE DATE has yet to be found!
Yep - that's a sweet potato.
This poor little guy!
One gold pump from a pair worn exactly once. Maybe I should have left it in there...
This one was saved by my husband just moments before being hauled away.

One day, maybe next Wednesday, I'll do a post on the stuff we never got back. Although now that I've written that, it might be kind of hard to show you...

Happy WW all!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Yeah, That's Right - I'm a Triple Threat Baby!

Despite all my recent whinny mutterings of a nervous breakdown and generally feeling sorry for myself, I've been very fortunate to have met some really cool and funny Mama bloggers since I started complaining writing about my life as a Libra.

And for some reason or another that I don't dare question, two of these fabulous ladies found yours truly worthy enough to bestow me with not one, not two, but three bloggy awards!

Feast your eyes on these beauties:

My first Honest Scrap and Sweet Blogger accolades were awarded to me by the wonderful Tracy of The Daily Mom Diaries, and I must apologize to her for taking so long to acknowledge said awards. But, being the busy Mom of three boys, I'm sure she understands. Tracy also does awesome reviews and giveaways, and one of these days, I'm totally going to enter one of her contests. Like that one for the cellulite lotion! Cause I could really use something like that. Anyway, Tracy is a faithful follower and friend and I always look forward to her cheerful replies and comments. You rock, Tracy!

My second Honest Scrap award was presented to me by The Mombshell of The Mombshelter whose often hysterical and always beautifully-written posts keep me coming back for more. Reading her stories makes me strive to be a better, not to mention wittier writer. The fact that she mentioned my blog in the same breath as "possible Pulitzer winning material in the non-existent category of blogs" rendered me giddy beyond belief! It seems I impressed the Mombshell with the Leonard Cohen lullaby singing skills I boasted mentioned in my recent guest post. (Shameless plug there, I know). But let's face it - the Mombshell is way cooler, smarter and funnier than I could ever dream of being.

Now for the hard part. The rules for accepting each award are that I must pass them along to 10 other deserving bloggers. It isn't difficult finding deserving blogs - no, there are hundreds, possibly thousands of much better blogs out there than my own.

I am also to reveal 25 things about myself. But, since I (a) have never been one to follow the rules, (b) don't have many bloggy friends that haven't already been awarded, and (c) can't think of 25 things that I haven't already revealed or am not saving for future posts. Cause, you know, I only have so much material until I start regurgitating the same idiosyncratic stories. And no one wants that.

I do, however, love the idea of spreading the blog love around, so I will follow the Mombshell's lead and award 5 wonderful ladies I've come to know and admire:

  1. The Empress of Good Day, Regular People for her posthumous wish that her children burst into tears upon the sight of  books. (I too, have a similar goal, in which the sound of Thom Yorke's voice would bring my son to a weeping, emotional mess after I've passed).
  2. My Momma Drama for her self-written survival guide outlining who would get the first bullet, should her husband ever be foolish enough to stray.
  3. Cheryl of Special Sauce in the House  for making me tear up over her beautiful, inspiring posts & also for rocking the jeggings look so fantastically.
  4. Bibliomama because she's way smart, has a vocabulary that never ceases to amaze me and her recent,  impressive guest post that made me realize it's okay that I'm not a perfect mom.
  5. The Mayor of Crazy Town for being my first follower and constant supporter and for letting me write my first guest post (and yes, I'm still kissing her butt, but if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have gotten to know most of these other talented ladies)!
I know some (maybe all) of you have received these or similar awards, but I insist on presenting you all with both awards, cause I'm too lazy to find 25 other blogs awesome like that!  Enjoy:)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Funny - Badass Mommy

Still riding on the coattails of Mother's Day and because I found this video on Funny or Die I thought I'd share this crazy broad's Mother's Day fantasy for today's Friday Funny. But just to warn you, there's cussing, violence and drug references, so use your viewer discretion (in other words, probably not the most suitable thing for the kiddies to watch, unless you're one of these girls parents , but that's a whole other story and not one for a Friday Funny post.

Now, be honest, did any of you have these kinds of thoughts last Sunday?

Ok, a little over the top, but it could happen. I wouldn't mind cutting loose like that too, though I'd likely forgo the hard drugs and mutilation of others. Then again I only have one kid - who am I to judge! Multiple children just might turn me into a a murderous raging junkie (or addicted to prescription meds, at the very least).

Don't forget to link up your Friday Funnies over at Crazy Town using The Mayor's cool Mr. Linky widget! Can't wait to head over there for a few laughs myself - TGIF!

Happy Friday all!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wordless Wednesday - You Know I Wish That I Was Rick Springfield's Girl!

Ok, I'll be brief. I was gonna skip this WW because I'm lame like that, but Shaunadnauseam gave me a great idea. Ok, I kind of stole it from her.

Last night on Twitter 90% of the tweets were #Glee this and #GLEE that, which I usually ignore. (Sorry, I know everyone loves it, but I can't get into it). UNTIL, The Mayor tweeted something that made go "WHA?"

OMG Finn is ROCKIN' Jesse's Girl!!! #Glee

Suddenly I'm having a flashback to 1981 and my first celebrity crush. I mother-freaking loved Rick Springfield. Today I admitted to Shauna and The Mayor that I carried his photo in my locket when I was a wee girl of 9 or 10. So, before I ramble on even more here's my WW tribute to my 1980s heartthrob!

Wow, still looking pretty darn good for a 60 year-old man, don't you think?! Happy WW everyone!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

All the Single (Mama) Ladies!

The last few weeks have shown me how my life would play out should I ever act on my impulse to pack my bags, grab my kid and run off to Hollywood in search of Benicio Del Toro. (Circa 1999 Benicio, not the bedraggled, greying, desperately-in-need-of-a-haircut Benicio of late.)

Since I'm quite certain my idol wouldn't fall all over himself at the sight of some crazy stalker lady and her kidnapped child at his door, I'd likely end up exactly how I've been living for the last little while; husband-less, tired, sick and even more overwhelmed than usual!

No, Tony hasn't left me, nor have I thrown him out (just say the word, Benny!). But he has been super busy with work projects and was away on business all last week. So, on top of all the usual working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dropping Ciaran off at daycare and picking him up, playing, bathing, reading stories, etc. etc. - all stuff that I do during a regular week, I also dealt with the following crap:

The Fridge Breaking Down.

It had been working on and off for a while and fortunately(?) we live in a tacky 1970's house with a full kitchen in the basement that we never use. So, I spent the week running up and down stairs, transferring food from one modern but malfunctioning fridge to a puke-green colored 1973 model.

The Dishwasher Stopped Working.

Oh, dear god, my worst nightmare came true. Ciaran actually pointed this out one night after dinner, when he opened the dishwasher door and saw his reflection staring back at him from a pool of smelly water. After scooping out the water with a measuring cup, Project Hand Washing went into effect. Tears were fought back (mine) for the first of many subsequent occasions that week. Everything seemed to be quickly unraveling.

The Kitchen Sink Backed Up.

Hence the non-working dishwasher. I'm pretty sure Ciaran was to blame, as I could have sworn I saw him cramming plastic straws down the drain just the other day. I tried to catch him in the act, but he was, as usual too quick for me. When I asked what he was up to he answered, "Noth-ing" in that annoyingly mischievous way kids often respond when they are, in fact, guilty of Some-thing.

Ma! Ma! The TV Done Broke!

It was an ugly scene on a rainy Saturday morning when nothing I tried could bring Ciaran's beloved Treehouse shows to life. I remembered with humiliating terror that I hadn't paid last month's cable bill. I swear on my pinky finger that's never happened before!

Tearing the house apart, I searched for the latest bill, but it, like so many other things around here, had disappeared. Again, I'm blaming Ciaran - lately he's taken to "hiding" things in the recycling bin. I called our service provider and after sorting it out with a rather snarky customer service person, tried the TV again, to no avail. With a screaming child in the background, I called the tech help line, who kept insisting I must have it on the wrong channel - no, I did not. After going through a lengthy trouble-shooting check-list, it was discovered that it was a loose connection.

More tears were fought back - was I really one of those women who couldn't survive on their own? I mean, it's nice to have my husband around (I obviously prefer it), but I shuddered to think of myself as becoming one of those helpless broads always in need of a man's help.

Overwhelmed and Run Down

The rest of the week started improving slightly, other than me almost forgetting about my close friend's baby shower and of course, not being able to find the invitation (I am so doing a post about things that have wound up in our recycling bin). Also, my brother's wife had just given birth and I hadn't even gotten around to sending them a baby gift! (Sorry Jeff & Jenna, it's on its way, I promise!)

So, I had the joy of dragging a cranky, demanding child to Babies R Us to pick up some presents while being subjected to him yelling "Mom! I want a red lawn mower! Mom! Mom! a RED lawn mower!" My nerves were so shot, I actually bought him the damn toy mower just for a couple minutes of peace. Bad idea, I know, but sometimes, I do cave in. 

Then, just as we were winding down one hectic, crazy week, on Sunday night Ciaran woke up sick and screaming at the top of his lungs, scaring the bejesus out of me right as I was finally drifting off to sleep.

Poor little guy was burning up and (surprise, surprise) my digital thermometer was not working. Also, when the upstairs refrigerator broke down, I ended up throwing out a bunch of stuff in there, including the children's Tylenol. So, there I was at 12:30 a.m. on Sunday evening, alone with a sick child burning up with a fever (I think). That, my friends was my final breaking point. Could anything more go wrong? Muffled by his crying, I held him and hid my face in his little shoulder letting my tears flow freely now.

A couple of hours later, I got him settled down and we both lay exhausted in his race-car bed. As I watched him sleep, I thought about all the single moms out there who have to deal with the week I just had on a regular basis. Being a Mom is a hard enough as it is, but to do it on your own is beyond stressful. I truly have the utmost respect for single mothers; I could not do this child rearing thing solo.

That's why, even after listening to Ciaran beg and scream for me to come with them, I don't feel all that bad about leaving him and his Dad to spend Mother's Day with Nona today. Cause I SO need the break!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some old Benicio Del Toro DVD's waiting to be popped into the player. If I can find them, that is. Sigh. Guess I'll start with the recycling bin.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Sorry, Benicio - guess it just wasn't meant to be!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Friday Funny - Brought to you at the Expense of Some Kids!

I have to add a small caveat to today's Friday Funny, since apparently it's contraband. But it makes me giggle so hard that I figure it's worth the risk. I first got this email a few years back, before I had kids and I found it amusing. But now that I have, um, let's call it abstract artwork decorating my refrigerator, I appreciate it even more.

I forgot all about the email until my brother Scott also forwarded it to me recently. So when The Mayor first started the Funny Friday blog hop with the killer elephant joke, it got me thinking back to all three funny emails I've ever received. Let's face it, most of those "funny" or "cute" email forwards are seldom worth the clicks. Some of you may have seen this one before, but hopefully it will still make you smile:)

Before I share, I must credit this guy or someone will supposedly show up to break my kneecaps. Seriously dude, no offense or anything, but lighten the heck up!

I am better than your kids.

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Megan, age 4

First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F

Kyle, age 8

You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F

Lisa, age 6

Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit.F

Cameron, age 4

Terrible. F

Bryce, age 10

This one wouldn't be too bad if the color was kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F

I win. When I go into work next, I'm going to surprise all my co-workers and put up pictures of myself instead of their ugly kids and their inane drawings.

More crappy children's art work

The premise: I can draw better, spell better, and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Jon, age 8

Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

Rachel, age 7

That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F

Jason, age 6

This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F

Seth, age 4

Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm! F

Kelly, age 9

This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

I can't believe how much I rule.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Ok, I'm going to give this Wordless Wednesday thing a whirl! Guess I'll have to get used to the whole not over-explaining every emotion concept! So, just a brief explanation: Last night, after Ciaran's bath, I was trying to get him dressed for bed, but he had other plans, which included jumping around and shouting like a little maniac. So much for baths relaxing kids - it has the complete opposite effect on mine! Look at that cute little Gene Simmons imitation, though! Alright, I'll shut my trap now!

Bedtime Rocks!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Yipee!! I'm Jumping Aboard the Crazy Town Train!

Well, it finally happened - I've run off to Crazy Town and I couldn't be more excited! No, I don't mean the loony bin or the psych ward, at least not yet, anyway. I'm talking about that fun and wacky place that The Mayor, also known as My Fairy Blogmother resides over! Yes, The Mayor has graciously requested me to write a guest post for her Mother's Day Mayhem event, happening this month and I'm extremely humbled to be the first among some really fine bloggers also taking part!

The Mayor is in!

I am so fortunate to have made The Mayor's acquaintance right after my very first blog post, when she greeted me to the blogosphere with open arms and became my first (and very often only) follower! Her encouragement and support continues to blow me away - she truly is a rare jewel, let me tell you!

In addition to her duties as Mayor, she is also the mother of four and still finds time to create buttons for us less tech-savvy Mama bloggers, while selflessly promoting our asses - 'cause that's how she rolls! Her wit and warmth shine through the chaotic & hilarious tales of life in Crazy Town and I'm super giddy and excited to be contributing to the insanity today!
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