Sometimes I'm a Pig

That's right, sometimes I am a pig. Not the kind that makes huge messes or overindulges in chocolate (ok, that's a blatant lie - I do overindulge in anything listing cocoa as an ingredient). But that's also not the kind of pig-ness I am referring to.

The metamorphosis almost always happens at night, usually when I'm tucking my son into bed. He hands me this pinkish stuffed farm animal and makes me "be" the pig. I'm sure all you parents know what I'm talking about. When you're forced to become an animal or other toy character and tell stories or answer questions in not-sounding-like-any-person-animal-or-character-anyone's-ever-heard-of voices. At least that's how we play in my house. Please tell me we're not the only ones?

Piggy - Ciaran's fave toy, for this month at least.

 I actually enjoy being Piggy, though. I fly though the air and have awesome parties where my toy friends and I jump into imaginary mud puddles the size of  Ciaran's room. Oh, and I can sing Down By the Bay in a rather amusing operatic style. Yes, I'm one wild and crazy, not to mention talented pig. 

But the best thing about becoming Piggy? I get to be privy to things I normally wouldn't be as plain old Mommy. Ciaran tells me Piggy things much more candidly during these times.

For instance, I learned that he wishes I would come pick him up from daycare earlier than I usually get there. It seems he's always one of the last kids to be picked up at night and, while I never realized it bothered him that much, apparently it does. Also, Noninna (my mother-in-law) gives him waaay too many treats when she's babysitting. (Mental note to talk to her about that!).

I'm not always resigned to just being a pig, I'll have you know. I've also done a pretty good characterization of the Buddha. Yes, Buddha. We have a wooden figurine of him that Ciaran took to playing with for a while. And once he stopped freaking out over Buddha's eyes being closed, he started handing the figurine to me, wanting me to speak for him.

I'm not gonna lie; that was a bit awkward at first. I wasn't sure how to "be" Buddha. I experimented with different personalities. Sometimes I was all reflective and wise, but Ciaran seemed to like "fun Buddha" better. And again, I could never get the voice quite right. Buddha always sounded like a slightly more refined Elvis impersonator.

Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe Elvis is Buddha. And, before you go thinking Well, she's really gone off the deep end now - I'm obviously not the only one who's thought about this:

Friday Funny - Dark Side This Is

I was going to post a humorous story that I've been writing for my Friday Funny installment today, but while doing research on something for work earlier this week, I came across two hysterically funny videos that I just had to share.

Anyone who really knows me can tell you that I am directionally-challenged. Yes, I'm that woman who gets lost crossing the street. If it weren't for Mapquest, I'd be much worse off, but even that isn't fool Pamela-proof. If anybody were a prime candidate for a GPS, it is me.

So, when I came across these GPS units available with Star Wars characters voices - well  I was just about as giddy as a freaking school girl. I loved the old Star Wars movies as a kid - I remember thinking Hans Solo and Darth Vader were like, the coolest. What can I say? Even back then I had a weakness for the bad boys.

When my husband told me he'd never seen the original trilogy, I dragged him to see all three movies. I mean, how could anyone have grown up in the late 70's without seeing Star Wars? Anyway, he wasn't overly impressed, but its of those things that unless you've seen it through the magic of a child's eyes, you can't appreciate it as much.

I thought TomTom did a terrific job with these "making of" videos for the Yoda & Darth Vader voices. Now I just have to decide - do I want to be guided by a Jedi Master or by the Dark Side?    
   

Friday Funny - Prince - Genius Musician and Athlete to Boot?

Remember the Dave Chappelle show?  I used to watch it on The Comedy Network on Friday nights and pee myself laughing. Before he lost his marbles and ran off to Africa, Dave Chappelle was one hysterically funny dude. This spoof he did about Prince and Eddie Murphy's brother, Charlie has to be one of my all-time favorites. 

First, of all, let me just tell you how much I love Prince. The singer Prince, or The Artist Formally Known as Prince, whatever he goes by these days. Actually, I take it back; I just like the old-school Prince, before he went all born again Christian and stopped cussing & all. The 1980's Prince who sang Let's Go Crazy, and Raspberry Beret. The cool Prince.

My husband and I saw him in concert five or six years back when he was still married to that Canadian chick. Hubby and I were such losers fans, that we actually used to drive up and down Post Road in the Bridle Path (a super ritzy neighborhood in Toronto) where Prince and his Canuck wife supposedly lived. We'd entertain ideas about what we'd do if we actually saw Prince out collecting his mail or something. Like how we'd strike up a conversation interesting enough for The Prince of Funk to invite us in for tea. Crazy, I know. But B.C. (before Ciaran), we had that kind of time on our hands.

Anyway the Prince concert was pretty amazing. Probably one of THE best performances I've ever seen. And I've seen a LOT of concerts in my day. Maybe it's a sign of getting old, but there's something cool about seeing your childhood idols perform, especially when they still kick (pint-size, purple-blouse-wearing) ass!

I'd actually forgotten all about this skit until someone on my work Twitter account brought it up. Apparently, there was a Prince tribute on BET a few days ago and the tweeter commented that they should have shown the "Prince Basketball Playing Skit".

It's so absurd to see Prince portrayed like this, you can't help but giggle. Or snort, chuckle, or whatever it is you do when you find something as silly as this. 

Dave Chapelle: Prince plays basketball - watch more funny videos

A Libra Spin on Summer

Now that summer is officially upon us, (okay, I'm a few days late, but I'm on Pamela Time - always a little behind schedule),  I thought I'd share some of my favorite things about the season and some stuff I don't particularly care for. Because, you know, I just have to balance everything out in that annoying Libra way of mine.

What I love:

• Heat. When I first moved to Toronto from the East Coast, I couldn't bear the sticky humidity of the city. Over the years, I've learned to love, well, tolerate it at least. Now, I laugh at all my East Coast kin when they complain about 30C-including-humidity-temperatures. I've earned that right seeing I'm now a know-it-all Toronto snob, haven't I?  
• Sun. What's not to love about it? It shines, brightens everything up, makes the flowers bloom and the birds chirp. People all over the world have composed soulful melodies inspired by the wonder of it's rising and setting. Others worship it. Yes, the sun definitely rocks.
• Summer wardrobe. There's nothing better than kicking off those heavy winter socks (after a nice manicure, of course) and schlepping around in some cute summer sandals. It's so freeing to leave the house sans jackets, boots & other cold weather gear, not to mention how much easier it is getting the boy out the door for daycare in the mornings.
• Summer beverages. Ahhh, Margaritas, Sangria, Pina Coladas, Mojitos - take your pick. These exotic and tropical drinks not only sound divine, they go down so much smoother on  those sweltering summer evenings on the patio.

What I don't like:

• The oily greasiness that is my skin. Seriously? By this age, I thought I'd be well beyond the teen acne that seems to plague my face not only year-round, but on a exacerbated level come summertime. Even armed with facial blotting papers and a compact, it's a losing battle this time of the year. 

• The Sun. I know, I know, I just said the sun rocks. But it also keeps my kid up until almost 9:30 at night and wakes him up much earlier than I'd like to get out of bed. Same thing for the birds. Their damn chirping has roused me awake far too many mornings before 6:00 a.m. Go squawk somewhere else you annoying feathered freaks. 
• Bickering over the AC. I'm talking about the bickering between hubby and I about when to turn the air conditioning on and off. If it were up to him, we'd never turn the blasted thing on. He's always going on about how expensive it is to keep it running and that I turn it up too high. He forgets how I threatened to leave him back when we didn't have it a few years ago. (In my defense, I was pregnant and highly emotional.) I am very cranky when it's too hot. I refuse to cook. I become easily frustrated. He shouldn't mess with me then. It's dangerous, I tell you.
• The frizzies. Yes, ladies, many of you know what I'm talking about. The big hair. The no-matter-how-much-product-you-use-can't-avoid-the-afro-do. It's so far beyond a "bad hair day" you might as well just give up and chop it all off. This is my ultimate least favorite thing about the summer. And for all you silky, straight-haired bitches babes who never have to fuss to tame your locks, I have only one thing to say to you - Bite Me!!

No amount of anti-frizz serum, or hats, hair bands, etc. can control it!

Friday Funny - Yet another hilarious Canadian, Jeremy Hotz

I'd never heard of this guy until the first time my husband and I visited Yuk Yuk's(a Canadian-based comedy club, for my American friends:) I think I actually peed my pants laughing, pretty impressive considering I hadn't yet given birth at that point in time.

We went there obviously expecting a few laughs, but never imagined just how hard we'd be clutching our sides and howling like idiots. But that's ok, because everyone else in the audience was too! The entire line-up that night was amazing, but when a comedian by the name of Jeremy Hotz came on we laughed from the minute he set foot on stage until well after his set was done. We even reminisced about his jokes all the way home and for days afterwards. If you have six and a half minutes here's a pretty funny clip of one of his skits on being Canadian (Oh, there's some swearing, of course, like what comedian worth watching doesn't cuss?):



Happy FF everyone! I've been away from the FF link-up over at Crazy Town for a couple of weeks now, but I'm heading there now to check for some more great laughs!

A Truly Absurd Mystery Involving a Smuggled Chicken

A couple of years after we were married, long before the whole urban farmer thing became popular, we had a very unexpected visit from a chicken. Yes, that's right - a chicken.

I don't remember what day, month or even year it was, but I will never forget that strange afternoon when my husband called me into the backyard. It must have been spring, because there was no snow on the ground, but the trees had not yet fully bloomed and the grass was still that dirty shade of brown.

"Come here," he said, gesturing towards the back door. I vaguely recall getting frustrated because there I was slaving away in the kitchen and he wouldn't tell me why I should follow him. Finally I relented, but he still wouldn't explain what was going on.

"Look," he said, pointing at something on the ground in the distance. "I found it back here while I was putting away tools in the shed. Someone even blocked off either side of the shed and left it a bowl of water!"

A low, rustling sound from about 20 feet away finally drew my attention to "it". And it was not happy. It came running towards us, causing me to shriek in a way that's normally reserved for mouse sightings. I ran to the gate at the side of the house, the chicken at my heels, pecking and clucking. Luckily, we just made it to the other side of the gate & slammed it closed before It took a chunk out of my flesh.

After debating on what to feed this obviously starving creature, we went back inside and grabbed some bread, which I proceeded to hurl out the washroom window into the back yard, rather than risk being attacked by the crazed animal. Understandably, it seemed to settle down a bit after chowing down on its high-carb snack.

Then, we went off to find whoever was responsible for this seemingly practical joke. We called Tony's parents first. They live on a farm, so it was the most logical place to start. Had they finally snapped after living so isolated up there in the country? But, no, they were just as baffled as we were.

We knocked on doors. People gave us strange looks. No one had seen anyone sneaking a chicken into our backyard. I spotted a family down the street smiling at us and became immediately suspicious. Were they the culprits? No, they were not. To this day, they avoid me like the plague. And honestly, I can't blame them. What kind of madwoman goes around accusing people of smuggling chickens into her yard?

We called every one of our friends; if anyone was going to play a practical joke, it would have been more likely one of them, not a neighbor we barely knew. (Too bad I hadn't thought of that earlier). But, no, the friends all plead innocent. (We did of course, get a few inviting themselves over for a fresh poultry dinner).

The next day we got up and peered out the window to see if the chicken was still there. It was. I threw more bread outside and we went to work. When we came back home, there it was scratching in the dirt and pecking at the grass.

We couldn't keep ignoring it. I mean, how long could you keep a farm animal in the city? Surely it wasn't even legal. I decided to carefully open the side gate & set it free. No, Tony said. It would probably get hit by a car and then, wouldn't I feel guilty?

At that moment, someone knocked on the door. I heard Tony speaking to our next door neighbor's son-in-law, who had recently moved in with his family. He'd been away for the past couple of days and had "found" this chicken in the park. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I've never once in my life seen livestock wandering around the local park.

It seems he didn't want his wife's elderly mother freaking out over his stashing a chicken in her backyard, nibbling away at her veggie garden, so he decided to put it in ours, but forgot to tell us. The chicken was of no use to him, he said, explaining that it was a "layer" and couldn't be eaten. So, if Tony's parents wanted, they could have this one. They came the next day to pick it up.

That's how our house became the livestock trading headquarters for the neighborhood. I come home to find rabbit cages lined up in front of the garage door, dropped off by neighbors for my in-laws. They make deals during the day for rabbits, chickens and turkeys. Just the other day I got a phone call from a lady asking for a rabbit. Sorry, I told her, he can't come to the phone. I don't think she got it, but I laughed myself hysterical.

Happy Friday Funny all! Don't forget to link up your funny story, video or email over at Crazy Town.

Friday Funny - Skankin' it up for the Long Weekend!

So, once again, I've left the blog-hop post to the last minute, but also once again, I've been inspired by another lovely bloggy friend.

I've been so busy buying houses, gnawing on what's left of my once perfectly manicured (& pre-child) nails during an exhilarating bidding war ,which happily worked out in our favor, that I really have not been in the funny frame of mind. 

Until, that is, I visited Tracy over at The Daily Mom Diaries and had a giggle at her Casual Friday cartoon! Also, it reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from The Office, the one where Meredith takes Casual Friday to a whole new level.



I don't know about you, but I have worked in offices where some skank-a** tramps ladies tended to get a bit carried away with "dressing down" on Fridays. And, as ridiculous and exaggerated as The Office sometimes seems, I love it because there's often a grain of truth to every character. Or, maybe I'm just constantly drawn to the obscenely insane. Yeah, actually, now that I think of it, I totally am.

Speaking of which, I better get my butt on over to Crazy Town to link up my Friday Funny!

Happy Friday & May 2/4 Weekend Everyone:)

Friday Funny - Badass Mommy

Still riding on the coattails of Mother's Day and because I found this video on Funny or Die I thought I'd share this crazy broad's Mother's Day fantasy for today's Friday Funny. But just to warn you, there's cussing, violence and drug references, so use your viewer discretion (in other words, probably not the most suitable thing for the kiddies to watch, unless you're one of these girls parents , but that's a whole other story and not one for a Friday Funny post.

Now, be honest, did any of you have these kinds of thoughts last Sunday?

MOTHERS DAY OFF - watch more funny videos

Ok, a little over the top, but it could happen. I wouldn't mind cutting loose like that too, though I'd likely forgo the hard drugs and mutilation of others. Then again I only have one kid - who am I to judge! Multiple children just might turn me into a a murderous raging junkie (or addicted to prescription meds, at the very least).

Don't forget to link up your Friday Funnies over at Crazy Town using The Mayor's cool Mr. Linky widget! Can't wait to head over there for a few laughs myself - TGIF!

Happy Friday all!

Friday Funny - Brought to you at the Expense of Some Kids!

I have to add a small caveat to today's Friday Funny, since apparently it's contraband. But it makes me giggle so hard that I figure it's worth the risk. I first got this email a few years back, before I had kids and I found it amusing. But now that I have, um, let's call it abstract artwork decorating my refrigerator, I appreciate it even more.

I forgot all about the email until my brother Scott also forwarded it to me recently. So when The Mayor first started the Funny Friday blog hop with the killer elephant joke, it got me thinking back to all three funny emails I've ever received. Let's face it, most of those "funny" or "cute" email forwards are seldom worth the clicks. Some of you may have seen this one before, but hopefully it will still make you smile:)

Before I share, I must credit this guy or someone will supposedly show up to break my kneecaps. Seriously dude, no offense or anything, but lighten the heck up!

I am better than your kids.

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Megan, age 4

First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F

Kyle, age 8

You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F

Lisa, age 6

Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit.F

Cameron, age 4

Terrible. F

Bryce, age 10

This one wouldn't be too bad if the color was kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F

I win. When I go into work next, I'm going to surprise all my co-workers and put up pictures of myself instead of their ugly kids and their inane drawings.

More crappy children's art work

The premise: I can draw better, spell better, and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Jon, age 8

Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

Rachel, age 7

That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F

Jason, age 6

This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F

Seth, age 4

Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm! F

Kelly, age 9

This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

I can't believe how much I rule.

Friday Funny

After the week I've had I can not even begin to tell you how happy I am that it's Friday! Let's just say it was "one of those weeks" and leave it at that. Otherwise I may go on an excessively lengthy rant and I'd rather not bore, depress or annoy anyone.

So, today I'm keeping it light and fluffy and since it's Friday that can only mean one thing - Friday Funny time! Once again, thanks to Tracy, AKA The Mayor of Crazy Town for hosting her weekly FF blog hop! Got a funny story, joke or video to share? Post and link it up with The Mayor's handy Mr. Linky widget!

So, as promised last week (and because I'm still too brain-dead to come up with anything better), here are two more silly videos, this time involving goats.

Goats are amusing enough on their own; if you don't believe me try Googling "funny goats". There are literally over 1 million results. But my fav has to be this crazy critter:



Now, listen to him bleat it out with Usher:



Call me immature, but I could watch (and have watched) the yelling goat again and again. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I'll put it on and life doesn't seem so serious. I like to think that's what the goat's trying to say, too.

"Hey you! Think your life sucks? What about me? Here I am tied up as these a-holes point a video camera and force me to sing with some horrible R&B music!!"

Guess even goats need to vent every now & then. Happy Friday everyone!

Friday Funny Blog

After reading about Tracy from Crazy Town's fantastic Friday Funny idea to post something humorous as an alternative to Follow Fridays, I knew immediately what to do. I have to also give props to Jesse over at Screw Your Courage, who introduced me to what I think are two of the most hilarious videos I've seen this year.

You may have seen the Charlie Bit My Finger video:



Cute, but you may not have seen it like this:



Maybe it's from lack of sleep, but something about adding AutoTune to regular talking just makes me laugh myself silly! Next week (if Tracy doesn't ban me) I might just post another hilarious parody of Usher singing with a goat!

Disclaimer

Please excuse any spelling, grammatical or other errors in this post as I'm typing this as my rambunctious son jumps up and down on the sofa beside me, while a toy mixer runs without cessation next to me and my husband is giving me an extra loud play-by-play of the neighbor across the street's wedding preparations  (over the noise of the mixer and blaring tv). All this on just four hours sleep last night...Okay, time for my Friday night glass (or two) of wine!